I'm scared

Almost exactly 1 year ago, I think I'm about a day or two off from being to the day I went on a call that actually scared me. I was the representative for my station and it's crews at our dept. meetings, that day we had a meeting. On those days we had been off the first part of the day so we could attend our meeting. The policy changed and they revoked that so now I'm late to work. My wife drove me in to the station and dropped me off. 15 minutes after that we were called to a place on the highway back towards the town I live in for a serious car accident. It takes 15 minutes to get to the place where the accident was from my station in a car. So my only thought was that my wife and our three children are now involved in this accident. My partner and I ran to the ambulance, I NEVER run to the ambulance. Got in and off we went. That rig now has permenant indentions in the steering wheel and 6 inch dip the floorboard from me mashing the gas pedal. We had gotten about a mile from the station when we got an update from dispatch saying that the female driver had been ejected from the vehicle and a leg amputated. This was not helping me any at all. Ambulances are NOT built for speed, but I swear I was trying to qualify for the Indy 500. I noticed a county police car come up on me pretty quick and I was not about to let him by. All I could think about was our little car had been hit by an 18 wheeler and that my family was dead or dying and how was I going to take care of them, if I fail to catch an injury and they die how could I possibly look at myself in the mirror, or if others are hurt too how could I possibly write off one of my kids or my wife of 9 years to help the schmuck that hit them. I believe to took us 6 minutes to get there. The absolute longest 6 minutes of my life. We pulled up to find a completely demolished purple vehicle and a young lady laying in the road. I looked one time at the car and I felt so relieved to see that it was not our purple car. We went to the girl and began to treat her injuries and prepare to take her to the ER. I still very clearly remember the look on her face and in her eyes when she finally started to understand just how badly hurt she was. After a few minutes of her telling me who she was and where she was going and that she still needed to get to her college class that morning, she very plainly looked up at me and told me that she was scared. I have never had a patient tell me that in the way before. So I asked her if she could still hear me and she said yes and I took her hand and held it, it was so very cold, and I told that it would all be over very soon. She told me a couple of times that she didn't hurt. I told her that was good. While we were transporting her she told me a couple more times that she was cold and scared. All I could do for her was squeeze her hand a little and tell her that I was there and that we'd take care of her as best as we could. She told me one last time she was scared and I told her I was still there, and the last thing she said was, "good". I will never forget that for as long as I live. Us EMS folks take a lot of things in during the course of an average day. We don't always get an outlet to let it out. It just sits in there and stews. Sometimes too the call ends but it's never really over.

Spice it up a bit??

I was told today that in a nutshell my little bloggy thing was well.....boring. So I guess I need to add a little spice. No sweat. I can do that. Stand by for spicy goodness.

Back to school....OH SHIT!!!!! CARDIOLOGY!!!

Back to school I go. For those of you keeping score I got a 93% on my mid-term. Missed one fewer than I planned for. So I got that going for me. Cardiology has started, that is the study of the heart, for those of you who might not have guessed. Just kidding. Worst part of that is that it goes through mid-March. It is also the part that normally sends paramedic students packing. We still have the bulk of our class in tact. 12 of 14 remain. So we aren't too bad off. The other part of it is that the two we lost weren't academic issues. So basically no one has flunked out yet. I still don't feel better about where I was at two weeks ago. I kinda have high hopes for this year, but I spend a lot of days and nights just trying to figure out what is happening around me. I deal with a lot of crap, some of which I have brought upon myself. Some of it seems to be random, and some of it seems like fate is screwing with me. I NEED a hug, not a good to see you kinda hug with shoulder pats. A real hug with some substance to it. I could really use that right now. Of course that and $2.32 will buy a gallon of gas. I have my days where I feel like I made a difference for someone, but those are becoming fewer and fewer. So basically, I don't feel like this is going to be any different than last year. I may get through class, I may find a new place to work with my newly acquired Super skills, I may even relocate to my hometown. But it just don't feel real yet. I kind of feel like a lightening bug like we used to catch when we were kids. We'd run around in the early evening catching these flashing bugs. Put them in a jar with some grass we'd pull and sit and watch. I feel like one of those little guys in a jar. Except my lid on my jar ain't got no holes in it. So here I sit on a blade of grass, blinking away for the people's enjoyment. Hoping that the lid comes off before I suffocate. By the way, a lightening bug will live about 24 hours in jar with no air holes....so hurry!! I don't know where exactly that came from. I guess I'm losing my mind. Could be worse ways to have it go I guess. I don't hear voices and my neighbor's dog isn't telling me to shoot people at random, so I got that going for me. Me and a couple guys from class are supposed to have a guys night. That might actually be fun. Haven't had one of those in years. Don't know when we'll have time...but at least we thought about it. Oh well, I have said way more than I felt like, and I don't feel any better about it. So back to studying dysrhythmias.

Happy New Year??

For those of us including myself that have been following along, I last left you atnicipating a mid-term. I took it, still don't know what I got on it. I suppose no news is good news. I really needed this little winter break to try to get focused. I also suppose I should say Happy New Year to the few folks that actually read this stupid thing. So Happy New Year to the two or three of you out there. I have had a strange year, starting this class; switching partners at work; trying to adjust in general. Not a lot of fun. It hasn't been all bad, but I sure do have struggle to find the good spots. I have spent a lot of time reflecting lately, places I've been, things seen, people met, some lives I watched fade away right in front of me, a new one I helped deliver in a Subway restaurant, my first cardiac arrest save (he actually walked out of the hospital a week later), and of course countless other things. They seem to start slow and by the time I get to paying real close attention they are flying by so fast I can't recognize any of it. I get to feeling pretty overwhelmed a lot. Sometimes I just wish I could stomp on the brakes and make everything stop, just long enough for me to walk around a little and look around. I think I have like maybe one or two true friends. I know a lot of people I like to talk to and hang out with, but mostly that's all they are. I feel a million miles away from my family. So it's a new year and maybe it'll be a good one. All for now.....