Time sure went by fast

Well it's been a hot minute hasn't it.  8 years have gone by since I last looked at this thing.  So last time we left off things weren't so great.  I believe it was summer in 2010.  My mother had just died.  She was so young, 53 years old.  Missesmedic came home.  She had spent the last months caring for my Mom.  I'm still a Medic, but have switched employers a couple times since I last wrote.  I'm now working for a fire department in a major city.  I like it very much with good pay and benefits.  But it's the guys I work with that make it so great.  I'm hoping to get a promotion soon.  At 42 years old with nearly 18 years of EMS under my belt I'm hoping experience is on my side with that one.  But mostly I'm just being me.  Things at home got better, sometimes they're great and sometimes they aren't.  I spend a lot of time building my models now.  It seems to distract me well from the things that haunt me.  Sometimes it seems nothing will make those old ghosts go rest though.  In all these years my hands have touched so much trauma, hurt, suffering, and death that I wonder how I'm not completely broken.  I think it's because I know that these same hands have brought relief, fixed wounds, relieved pain, and held babies before anyone else on the planet could hold them.  I've seen a frown turn to smile and watched tears be dried away.  I still don't do vomit though.  Zofran is my friend.  I started this bloggy thing is August of 2005 as a way to document my medic school adventure.  14 years later the world has changed so much.  I went from paramedic fetus to baby medic to plain medic to the old medic watching the new EMT's hatch.  I teach EMT and Paramedic courses now.  I think my old instructors from my EMT class in 2001 would be proud.  I think I'm on the back end of it all now to be honest.  My fire department job will get the very best of what I have left, which is now mostly wisdom and learned experiences.  I'll share what I have in my noggin to make others better than I was at the point in my career.  Providers come to me with questions, I was taken back by it a bit at first.  It's now a role I play.  My fire buddies have taken to calling me "Doc" a sobriquet I'm so proud to have been bestowed.  My life has been quite the story.  I'm still doing the history reenacting, although the hobby has lost many old faces, and fewer younger ones coming in to fill the spaces.  My family and I go on vacations now.  Seems like now that the kids are older, aged 22, 17, and 15, that we have more time and money to do stuff.  Kammy hasn't had a trip yet, hope to change that this year.  I don't see anyone really writing these much or reading them much since video blogs have taken their place.  But having someone's words, the art of conveying thought on paper, that calls out to me still.  At any rate, just some thoughts from this old Riverfront Medic.

For Mom

Mom is a special lady, I suppose all Moms are.  I suppose we all hold a special place for our own Mom.  My Mom has always been there.  I may not have understood what she was doing, but I know she always had good intent.  In May I found out Mom was diagnosed with esophageal cancer.  On Wednesday August 11 2010, she died.  She spent her last days surrounded by friends and family.  A near constant stream of folks in and out of her hospital room.  People that had come by to show support, thank her for being a friend, tell her how much they would miss her.  I played the role of composed, tough guy, the oldest child keeping it together for everyone else.  It was a tough role to play.  I did it as best I could.  I haven't addressed her as Mommy in more than 25 years, but if she were here today I would.  I miss that woman.  The smell of her cooking, her windsong perfume, the warm hugs saying I'm glad your here Bud.  But she's gone.  My world is empty and cold.  I cry when I'm alone.  I hurt, I called her phone, but she answers no more.  No more Christmas or Thanksgiving dinners.  No more laughter.  Mommy, please come back.  I miss you.

9-11

8 years have now passed since the 11th of September, 2001...or as most of us call it 9-11.  That is the year I got started on this little endeavor.  I have seen many milestones in my 32, almost 33 years.  Some good, some bad, and everything in between.  Most folks recognize 9-11 as a special day of remembrance, for so many were killed.  Some from being in the wrong place at the wrong time, some because they were simply where they where supposed to be, and some because of a choice of profession.  That day is special to me not because I knew somebody that was there, or lost a loved one.  You see I am a paramedic. That was my choice of profession.  I am also a firefighter, I serve as a volunteer "professional", serving my community at no fee.  I sincerely believe that all "Emergency workers", I hate that term, are part of a large somewhat dysfunctional family.  My brothers and sisters in the emergency services, be they police officers, firefighters, EMS'ers, air medical flight crews and so on, have a common bond to each other.  Most wear or display some piece of symbolism for our craft, and profession.  So when one of us is lost in the line of duty, we think about it.  Granted, in my little piece of the world I would not have to enter a 100 story building to do rescue or triage.  But we take chances every day.  So when we get caught up in some debate over whose idea of health care is better, or what Miley Cyrus is doing with a stripper pole thhis week, or which movie star forgot her undies again, take just a minute and think about the folks who chose to do a job to help someone, just because they were in trouble, or in danger.  Then think about those that they left behind.  The little reminders that they see everyday.  It's a group of people that you should NEVER forget.  Then next time you see one of us out there, thank one of us.  We don't get to hear that very often.  Let us know that you appreciate us.  Pull to the right when we need through to help someone, and I know that your dinner is waiting, or the dry cleaner closes soon, or little Bobby needs to get to soccer practice, but please let us by to help someone that needs it.  Just one person who reminds us we are appreciated, that just comes up and says it is talked about for days.  We tell our comrades, and we smile about it.  All to often in our lives we take others for granted, that someone who is a professional, and is trained will come out and take care of us.  It takes so much to get our training, not just the schooling, but the strain of that demand and of the job itself is so very hard on our families as well.  So there may come a day when I go on a call, only to find out during the call that I won't make another one.  Everyday to us can potentially be our own personal 9-11.  So appreciate us, show us that you care, and remind us that we make a difference.  Sometimes we forget.  On this Patriot's Day, when so many lost so much, many of whom gave it all for folks they didn't know, and gave it willingly and without question, take just a moment, close your eyes and think about the ones who sacrificed so others would have a chance at life.  Another day with their family, one more morning to wake up and see what's in store.  Thank a cop, medic, firefighter, EMT, because we may not be around tomorrow.  We may get embarassed by it, but let us know.  We care for you and we don't even know you. 

The question

I have seen many things

been on many scenes

folks often ask of me

what's the worst thing you've had to see...

I find it hard to reply

which is unusual for this guy

Normally, I talk alot

but that question, ain't so hot...

I have found that after eight years on the street

the answer to that isn't quite so neat...

I mean no pun

this wasn't written in fun...

What you don't always truly realize

is a lot of suffering has crossed my eyes

sometimes it's a patient racked with pain

often it's a family member, their tears fall like rain...

Many times there's nothing I can do

dead is dead so what's the use

I shake my head and grab a sheet

make them a shroud from their head to feet...

Dignity, I try to preserve

that's why I'm here, I chose to serve

the family asks, "is there nothing you can do,

please help my loved one", were counting on you...

Hard as it is, try as I might

there's nothing to change what's happened this night

I just want you to know it affects me so deep,

so I think that's one question you can keep.

S. Tye

9-10-2009

It's always something...

So in a rare change of fortune, I didn't have a single patient yesterday. My partner did. But hell, I only ran on 2 calls. Anyway...So we have this really uneventful shift with tornado warnings and lightning and localized flooding and wind and suff...but we only had between both trucks like 5 calls. So it comes 7 am and we catch a call for a suicidal person. Now our director/chief doesn't like the paramedic unit to take those unless the person actually attempts suicide. So I called dispatch center real quick to find out if they tried or was just talking about it. They said just talking about it. So I handed that call off to the other truck. It took them like 5 minutes to get going. As soon as they did the bossman called. He was like wtf was that. SO I explained somebody had to put their duty pants back on cause she sleeps on duty in her PJ pants. Now this person, we'll call her "Q", was already like on double probation for behavior/attitude. I guess she just didn't get it. So the bigman and me and one of the other supervisors met on the subject. The decision was made to let her go. Now I haven't been a supervisor a year yet so this is not something I've ever had to do. But Bossman wanted me as Q's supervisor to be in there too when it went down. Another supervisor was present to serve as witness. So it came to pass, and to be honest it sucked. She wasn't a bad person or even a "bad employee", just got into trouble with her mouth more than she should. I feel bad cause she's got a family to support just like I do. But I told her a couple shifts ago, I want to help you...but you're making it real hard for me to do any good. I didn't even try this morning, it would have been futile. I love what I do, and in a lot of ways I am what I do. I fell into the crack of becoming the job. But this morning just wasn't cool.

January's Over

Well January's over. Not a minute too soon. My body count for the month is 12. So now we can try to it different this month. Tax money is coming in soon so I'm stoked about that. Got some things I want to buy and some bills to pay off. It'll be nice to have those taken care of. I do however feel the need for a second job. I ear the EMS servcie here in town pays $20 an hour for part-time paramedics. So that may be the way I go. It'll help me get the extra toys I want for me. So that'll be cool. There's more to say but I wait for that until later.

Dr. Death is in....

Ok...aside from all of our home drama that has gone back and forth the world continued to spin, and as luck (or should I say bad luck) should have I had to work. At this point I have started looking for an easy button or a reset for January. Being the "new guy" at work and a "baby" medic (less than 1 year experience), I haven't gotten a label. Like "black cloud" "shit magnet" and the like. After the month I've had I've gone straight to being known as Dr. Death. Yesterday we had 2 separate fatal crashes, a cardiac arrest, and a gun shot wound to the head. The last of which we didn't run on but it still happened. I came in the night before my shift and pulled some chase medic time. In the 14 hours I was on station we had a cardiac arrest, and a deceased person at home. I had a streak of 4 cardiac arrests within 36 hours 2 weeks ago. With 2 separate ones in between. People are starting to fear coming to work with me. The ER staff says oh it's you today, when I walk into the ER. I now hate January. My partner last night told me I'm so tired of seeing people die. Uh...me too??? I mean come on. Someone this morning said that I sit at home trying to come up with new ways for us to find people, or hope for new and interesting ways to work codes. So if anyone has an easy button now would be a good time to let me know about it. 3 of the calls made TV though, so we've got that going for us.

Updating as requested....

So I'm only supposed to work 120 hours every two weeks, but I routinely put in an extra 4o. It has been having a detrimental effect on just about everything. So now I am trying to go into a slower mode, and actually spend more time at home, and be mentally present while I'm there. We'll see... Work an the other hand is going pretty well, got a big disaster drill coming up. I get to be the Triage Officer/Tactical Ops Chief. So our boss told me the other day. I will be in charge of triage and removal of 75-90 patients from three multi-story buildings after an "earthquake". I'll let you know how that turns out. The drama at work continues to go on. It doesn't affect me personally, but it is strange to watch it. Sometimes I feel so very old, I think back on where I've done and stuff, and man it seems like yesterday and a lifetime at the same time. My daughter turns 11 Monday. How is that even possible? Last week I changed her diaper, now she's writing poetry. She is different child. I don't know too many 10 year old kids that embroider and write stories. But she is my girl and she is very special to me. I don't know if she realizes it or not. It is getting kind of late now so it's time to close. Maybe I'll write again soon...