Riverfront Medic

For Mom

2010-08-22T21:04:00.000-07:00

Mom is a special lady, I suppose all Moms are. I suppose we all hold a special place for our own Mom. My Mom has always been there. I may not have understood what she was doing, but I know she always had good intent. In May I found out Mom was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. On Wednesday August 11 2010, she died. She spent her last days surrounded by friends and family. A near constant stream of folks in and out of her hospital room. People that had come by to show support, thank her for being a friend, tell her how much they would miss her. I played the role of composed, tough guy, the oldest child keeping it together for everyone else. It was a tough role to play. I did it as best I could. I haven't addressed her as Mommy in more than 25 years, but if she were here today I would. I miss that woman. The smell of her cooking, her windsong perfume, the warm hugs saying I'm glad your here Bud. But she's gone. My world is empty and cold. I cry when I'm alone. I hurt, I called her phone, but she answers no more. No more Christmas or Thanksgiving dinners. No more laughter. Mommy, please come back. I miss you.

9-11

2009-09-10T19:01:00.000-07:00

8 years have now passed since the 11th of September, 2001...or as most of us call it 9-11. That is the year I got started on this little endeavor. I have seen many milestones in my 32, almost 33 years. Some good, some bad, and everything in between. Most folks recognize 9-11 as a special day of remembrance, for so many were killed. Some from being in the wrong place at the wrong time, some because they were simply where they where supposed to be, and some because of a choice of profession. That day is special to me not because I knew somebody that was there, or lost a loved one. You see I am a paramedic. That was my choice of profession. I am also a firefighter, I serve as a volunteer "professional", serving my community at no fee. I sincerely believe that all "Emergency workers", I hate that term, are part of a large somewhat dysfunctional family. My brothers and sisters in the emergency services, be they police officers, firefighters, EMS'ers, air medical flight crews and so on, have a common bond to each other. Most wear or display some piece of symbolism for our craft, and profession. So when one of us is lost in the line of duty, we think about it. Granted, in my little piece of the world I would not have to enter a 100 story building to do rescue or triage. But we take chances every day. So when we get caught up in some debate over whose idea of health care is better, or what Miley Cyrus is doing with a stripper pole thhis week, or which movie star forgot her undies again, take just a minute and think about the folks who chose to do a job to help someone, just because they were in trouble, or in danger. Then think about those that they left behind. The little reminders that they see everyday. It's a group of people that you should NEVER forget. Then next time you see one of us out there, thank one of us. We don't get to hear that very often. Let us know that you appreciate us. Pull to the right when we need through to help someone, and I know that your dinner is waiting, or the dry cleaner closes soon, or little Bobby needs to get to soccer practice, but please let us by to help someone that needs it. Just one person who reminds us we are appreciated, that just comes up and says it is talked about for days. We tell our comrades, and we smile about it. All to often in our lives we take others for granted, that someone who is a professional, and is trained will come out and take care of us. It takes so much to get our training, not just the schooling, but the strain of that demand and of the job itself is so very hard on our families as well. So there may come a day when I go on a call, only to find out during the call that I won't make another one. Everyday to us can potentially be our own personal 9-11. So appreciate us, show us that you care, and remind us that we make a difference. Sometimes we forget. On this Patriot's Day, when so many lost so much, many of whom gave it all for folks they didn't know, and gave it willingly and without question, take just a moment, close your eyes and think about the ones who sacrificed so others would have a chance at life. Another day with their family, one more morning to wake up and see what's in store. Thank a cop, medic, firefighter, EMT, because we may not be around tomorrow. We may get embarassed by it, but let us know. We care for you and we don't even know you.

The question

2009-09-10T18:28:00.000-07:00

I have seen many things

been on many scenes

folks often ask of me

what's the worst thing you've had to see...

I find it hard to reply

which is unusual for this guy

Normally, I talk alot

but that question, ain't so hot...

I have found that after eight years on the street

the answer to that isn't quite so neat...

I mean no pun

this wasn't written in fun...

What you don't always truly realize

is a lot of suffering has crossed my eyes

sometimes it's a patient racked with pain

often it's a family member, their tears fall like rain...

Many times there's nothing I can do

dead is dead so what's the use

I shake my head and grab a sheet

make them a shroud from their head to feet...

Dignity, I try to preserve

that's why I'm here, I chose to serve

the family asks, "is there nothing you can do,

please help my loved one", were counting on you...

Hard as it is, try as I might

there's nothing to change what's happened this night

I just want you to know it affects me so deep,

so I think that's one question you can keep.

S. Tye, NREMT-P

9-10-2009

It's always something...

2008-02-06T20:53:00.000-08:00

So in a rare change of fortune, I didn't have a single patient yesterday. My partner did. But hell, I only ran on 2 calls. Anyway...So we have this really uneventful shift with tornado warnings and lightning and localized flooding and wind and suff...but we only had between both trucks like 5 calls. So it comes 7 am and we catch a call for a suicidal person. Now our director/chief doesn't like the paramedic unit to take those unless the person actually attempts suicide. So I called dispatch center real quick to find out if they tried or was just talking about it. They said just talking about it. So I handed that call off to the other truck. It took them like 5 minutes to get going. As soon as they did the bossman called. He was like wtf was that. SO I explained somebody had to put their duty pants back on cause she sleeps on duty in her PJ pants. Now this person, we'll call her "Q", was already like on double probation for behavior/attitude. I guess she just didn't get it. So the bigman and me and one of the other supervisors met on the subject. The decision was made to let her go. Now I haven't been a supervisor a year yet so this is not something I've ever had to do. But Bossman wanted me as Q's supervisor to be in there too when it went down. Another supervisor was present to serve as witness. So it came to pass, and to be honest it sucked. She wasn't a bad person or even a "bad employee", just got into trouble with her mouth more than she should. I feel bad cause she's got a family to support just like I do. But I told her a couple shifts ago, I want to help you...but you're making it real hard for me to do any good. I didn't even try this morning, it would have been futile. I love what I do, and in a lot of ways I am what I do. I fell into the crack of becoming the job. But this morning just wasn't cool.

January's Over

2008-02-04T15:55:00.000-08:00

Well January's over. Not a minute too soon. My body count for the month is 12. So now we can try to it different this month. Tax money is coming in soon so I'm stoked about that. Got some things I want to buy and some bills to pay off. It'll be nice to have those taken care of. I do however feel the need for a second job. I ear the EMS servcie here in town pays $20 an hour for part-time paramedics. So that may be the way I go. It'll help me get the extra toys I want for me. So that'll be cool. There's more to say but I wait for that until later.

Dr. Death is in....

2008-01-25T11:41:00.000-08:00

Ok...aside from all of our home drama that has gone back and forth the world continued to spin, and as luck (or should I say bad luck) should have I had to work. At this point I have started looking for an easy button or a reset for January. Being the "new guy" at work and a "baby" medic (less than 1 year experience), I haven't gotten a label. Like "black cloud" "shit magnet" and the like. After the month I've had I've gone straight to being known as Dr. Death. Yesterday we had 2 separate fatal crashes, a cardiac arrest, and a gun shot wound to the head. The last of which we didn't run on but it still happened. I came in the night before my shift and pulled some chase medic time. In the 14 hours I was on station we had a cardiac arrest, and a deceased person at home. I had a streak of 4 cardiac arrests within 36 hours 2 weeks ago. With 2 separate ones in between. People are starting to fear coming to work with me. The ER staff says oh it's you today, when I walk into the ER. I now hate January. My partner last night told me I'm so tired of seeing people die. Uh...me too??? I mean come on. Someone this morning said that I sit at home trying to come up with new ways for us to find people, or hope for new and interesting ways to work codes. So if anyone has an easy button now would be a good time to let me know about it. 3 of the calls made TV though, so we've got that going for us.

Updating as requested....

2007-10-25T22:43:00.000-07:00

So I'm only supposed to work 120 hours every two weeks, but I routinely put in an extra 4o. It has been having a detrimental effect on just about everything. So now I am trying to go into a slower mode, and actually spend more time at home, and be mentally present while I'm there. We'll see... Work an the other hand is going pretty well, got a big disaster drill coming up. I get to be the Triage Officer/Tactical Ops Chief. So our boss told me the other day. I will be in charge of triage and removal of 75-90 patients from three multi-story buildings after an "earthquake". I'll let you know how that turns out. The drama at work continues to go on. It doesn't affect me personally, but it is strange to watch it. Sometimes I feel so very old, I think back on where I've done and stuff, and man it seems like yesterday and a lifetime at the same time. My daughter turns 11 Monday. How is that even possible? Last week I changed her diaper, now she's writing poetry. She is different child. I don't know too many 10 year old kids that embroider and write stories. But she is my girl and she is very special to me. I don't know if she realizes it or not. It is getting kind of late now so it's time to close. Maybe I'll write again soon...

Couldn't stay away....

2007-09-05T19:56:00.000-07:00

Well the adventure that is my life just keeps on cranking out new little twists and stuff. So a couple weeks ago they I was made a shift supervisor. Not bad considering only only been at this job for about 3 months. I am hoping that I can do the best for my crews and lead them from the front.

A medic is born....

2007-07-26T22:52:00.000-07:00

After all I have gone through and the parts I wrote about...I became a brand new "baby medic" on the 5th of April, 2007. I spent a month at Porter EMS before being forced away. They had been trying to get me for more than a year. They think they won, but they didn't. Cause they got rid of a good one then had to fire one for drug abuse, not to mention they were already short one. I hope that service and it's leadership falls flat on their face. In the meanwhile I got to take my happy ass home. I found a new job pretty quick and a new place to live and within a couple weeks we were relocated. I hope that everything will work out for the best here. For those of you that read a little and stuff, thanks. I will be reading everybody else's stuff but this is it for me I think. So if we never cross paths again reader, I wish you the best. Have a safe journey through whatever road life takes you down.
Good-Bye

It is over...FINALLY, FOR REAL

2007-03-20T21:25:00.000-07:00

Well, I went to Memphis, took my test and blew it away. Alot of folks said they had no doubt. Glad they were so sure, I was too, but in a lesser degree. So I took the thing and then made a good night not so good by getting upset with the missesmedic (aka Jess). She has been real good to me but I got a bad thought in my head and it got the better of me. So to her I am both apologetic and grateful for all she has done for me, I couldn't have done any of this without you baby! It's kind of anti-climactic. You spend all this time and energy and money to get through school and I take the test and pass and the guy in charge says "You're all done, so go on home and you'll get your packet in the mail in a couple weeks". So now I have to wait around for the mail, I thought this had taken long enough. But I can wait I guess, what else will I do. In a few weeks I will finally get to go home, for good. I get to realize my dream of getting a house with a yard in a relatively safe place for my babies to grow and porch with a swing for me and Jess to get old on. In reality I know this will be a little less than easy, I have been at my present job just short of 5 years, which is actually the longest I ever spent in one place. To those of you that have been following along, I wanted to give a small look at what it takes to make a medic, maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I had some stumbles along the way, but it's done. So now I think I will quit EMS and become a carnie or something. Maybe not. This will most likely not be my last post, but probably one of the last few. I have a new part to my career I need to get ready for, and I family to take care of the right way, so you may not hear from me much from now on. But if you need me I'll be there, just give me a call...the number's 911.

Steve

Child seats people....

2007-02-27T18:16:00.000-08:00

I had a call the other day where a woman literally bent her Cadillac around a pole. She hit so hard the car was shaped like an "L". She broke the steeing column of the car at the base. Not easy to do. He kids faired no better. The baby was in a forward facing carseat in the front seat next to mommy. Her carseat exploded when the pole entered the passenger area. Peices of the dashboard and her carseat were found in her mouth. She was flown to a major trauma center. The other kids were in the backseat, no seatbelts or booster seats. They bounced around the back stricking the pole and each other. So far the baby has been released, the boy about 2 years old was flown from a local hospital to a major trauma center for treatment, and the girl about 4 was doing well last I heard. It is a wonder any of them survived the impact. Mom is going to jail. I always get very angry when little childred are injured due to someone else's negligence. More so when it is completely preventable. Car seats and booster seats people. Don't make me or my cohorts scrape your children off the road.

Fog, Booze, and a Train...

2007-02-27T17:54:00.000-08:00

Recently I was witness to quite possibly the worst accident scene I have ever been on. I have seen a lot in my time in EMS and the Army. Recently we went to a call for a pedestrian struck by a train. It was extremely foggy, making the normal 4-6 minute response time to this location an agonizingly long 12 minutes. We walked the 1/4 mile of track to about 1/3 of the length of the train to find a poor guy who had apparently used the rail of the track as a pillow. It took this poor guy's face off. I hope he didn't wake up to see his end coming. Little pieces of him we scattered about over the area. Pieces of him were frozen to the rail of the track. So we waited for the coroner and helped bag up this guy and his pieces. His arm came off, it knocked his shoes off and ripped off his jacket and shirt and he tumbled about 35 feet from where the train hit him. We found his face laying on the gravel, he still had most of his bone structure there with the teeth. It was like he was smiling at us from the ground. I hear he was a father of 2. I have a little more respect for death everyday seems like. I can't count how many people I have seen take their last breath or shortly thereafter. Death is not pretty. I have yet to see someone go quitely after an illness like in the movies. Or give famous last words to quote them by from a bad trauma. Most people beg, cry, and/or struggle to keep going. Even the ones who are prepared for it to come. Except kids, they just kind of stop. Some will get very clear before they go and tell you something that gets burned into your memory forever. Like how very scared they are. And you just tell them that you're there, knowing that there is absolutely nothing more you can do for them. Or you can pray with them, but sometimes you wonder if it even helps. I have seen screaming mother's crying for their babies trapped in a burning building. I have held grieving family members after a breathed for their loved ones. I have pumped a dying grandmother's chest hoping to see some sort of change, only to shake her son's hand minutes later and be told thank you. I have scraped little pieces of brain from the soul of my boot. I have felt a car on the interstate driving to fast and close to our accident scene strike my coat and not slow down. I have done all this and more, I lose no sleep, my family deals with my abrupt mood changes. But I do it every third day and sometimes more. I do it because one of these we'll get there quick enough, do everything right and someone will get to go home from the hospital. Maybe one day it will be you.

I saw this in a movie once...

2007-02-27T17:48:00.000-08:00

Ok kids, I'm sure we have ALL seen the Christmas Story movie. I had the distinct pleasure a few weeks back when it was so shit ass cold so see a scene sort of relived from that movie. We received a call to respond to a local high school for the 15 year old female...with her tongue stuck to a light pole. Now just for the record, if it the air temperature is -15 and the wind chill is a shocking -30 do NOT I repeat DO NOT touch anything metal with your tongue. IT WILL STICK! So a little hot water on the tongue/pole junction point and just like that she was free. However, pulling against the pole your tongue is stuck to will tear the tongue. Trust me I've seen it. So after we got the bleeding to stop I asked Flick, I mean tongue girl, did she do that on her own or was she a victim of the infamous double dog dare. For those of you who may not believe me, you absolutely can't make shit like this up. People are really that stupid. It's good though cause it keeps me employed. Hee Hee.

On to Memphis...

2007-02-27T17:45:00.000-08:00

Ok so now I have one last step to take. National Registry skills test. The kicker is I have to go to Memphis Tn to take it. No biggie, nine hour drive to take a test that should last about 4-5 hours. But that is it, the last piece of the puzzle to paramedicdom. Shouldn't be too awfully hard, after all it is just skills. The same ones I spent a year and half doing. The test is St. Patrick's Day so I hope the luck of the Irish are with me. More to come on this....

I paid for the whole seat, but I only used the edge

2007-02-20T16:58:00.000-08:00

Monday I went down to the computer and fired it up. Logged on and into my National Registry page. I sat momentarily on the edge on my seat in hopeful anxiety. I clicked the status button, and to my suprise and pure elation I noticed the words congratulations and passed in the same sentence. To be completely honest, I cried. Not for long mind you, but cry I did. All I said for about two mintues was "I did it on the first try". Just so you know what a feat that is, Nat'l Reg has a 35% first try success rate last I heard. So now I have one more test to take, always testing at the end, the skills test (practical). I showed I know what I'm doing knowledge wise, but they need to see I can actually perform the skills a paramedic uses on a regular basis. That should be a walk in the park. Just getting out the dummies at work and messing with them. No biggie, plus one of my Captains gave me a video put together of the test stations to get a feel for how it works, thanks to Bob for that one. So I little more luck and I'm done. But for now the world is as right to me as it can be. I want to publically thank the Mrs. for ALL her support, without her NONE of this would be possible. I love you Jess. For those of you who watched this bloggy thing progress...thanks goes to you also for your encouragement. This started as a journal of school and it should rightly end when I get my cert...but I think you all have earned the right to her about the very first call of Paramedic Steve.

No news is good news???

2007-02-17T07:47:00.000-08:00

So I went and took my test...not a pleasant experience. Not a bad one either, just not something I look forward to repeating. The only good thing is that I now know that the testing facility has really comfy computer chairs. One of my classmates took his that same morning, one the way home he called my and let me know that he already had his results, he failed. He had his results in something like 6 hours. The little paper says it should take 1-2 business days. Mine still aren't up yet. So I don't know if that is a good thing or if they are just being slow. I'm confident that if I have to take it over I can get it done. I hate waiting. It sucks. So very much rides on this.

The big day approaches...

2007-02-10T10:06:00.000-08:00

I finally have a day confirmed to take my written test. Quite possibly the largest and most important single test I will ever take. Thursday, 15 February at 2 pm. It is looming and I am torn on emotion. On one hand I want to run to it and give a big hug cause it took so damn long to get here. On the other, I want to smack it in the head and kick it's ass for being such a difficult bastard. I mean really...180 questions with a 3 hour time limit. I think we should get a 5 question quiz, with bonus points for correct name spelling. But I guess if you are giving people drugs like morphine and shovign tubes down their throat and shocking them with electricity they may expect a little more, than say...Joe Snuffy flippin burgers at McDonald's. I am certain I will do ok on it. 70% is the magic number. So set my sights high...like 71% and I know I can do it. Wish me luck...I'm getting nervous.

It's about damn time

2007-02-06T22:51:00.000-08:00

I watched Super Bowl XLI, actually I didn't watch it as much as I was engrossed by it. I have been a Colts fan since I was little and learning the game. I have stood by and cheered during the really bad years, and had wishful thinking during the mediocre years. But these last few have been absolute heartbreakers. They had almost every piece of the puzzle. Manning breaks records, 13 straight wins, so on and such. But NO Super Bowl. I met Tom Brady once, nicest guy I ever hated. This year as the Colts are down 21 to 3 in the AFC championship game, I swore that if the Colts lost I would never watch them again. I was so tired of being a fan of the team with biggest offense fall on their face at the end of the season. But they won, come back kids and stuff. So I sat, in Bears country listening to the Bears fight song on the radio, seeing orange and blue everywhere. I hoped, prayed and wished for a Colts win. All I could do was wait. I watched NFL channel everyday for info on the game. Sunday finally gets here and I slept until like 4 pm. I worked the night before and it was a terrible shift up the full 24 hour shift with no sleep. Yuck. But it was ok cause my Colts finally made it to the big game. I made a chili dip and got my chips ready, then game time. I nearly cried when it was over...Colts finally champs. I finally got it, after 22 years. I have watched every supber bowl since i dont know when. But my team, the one followed all my life as a football fan wins one. So to say i'm happy is an understatement, all i can really say about the thing is that it's about damn time. GO COLTS!!

Done...Sort of

2007-01-30T12:46:00.000-08:00

The time has come to pass where all my time and energy spent over the last 18 months in school. I am finished with all my training, allegedly I know all that can be taught. Allegedly. I talked with my instructors today and they are sending my completion verification to the National Registry of EMT's so I can take my big test. I have a tentative test date of 15 February. Now that is really going to happen I see what the others before me freaked out about. Hopefully it won't be too bad. You get 6 chances to take it. You have to get 70% overall and 70% in each category to pass. So if I get a 89% overall but get a 69% in pharmacology I still fail. Nice huh. A coworker of mine went last month to take his 6th and final attempt, he missed it by like 4 questions. So he will not be a paramedic. If he still wants to do it, he has to take the entire course over again. I think I would find another line of work. He seems to be doing ok about it though. So here comes the final push up the hill so to speak. I also have to take a physical skills test, but I'm not sweating that one too much, you can't over interpret a skill. So wish me luck, I hope I don't need too much of it to get it done. So far out of my class 4 people have gone to take it, 3 passed on the first try. That is almost unheard of. That gives me hope. The guy that failed it missed it by one question. So I have hope.

That's not good....

2007-01-16T11:24:00.000-08:00

Saturday was another work day for me. Started of like any other, last shift's crew had been busy with 15 calls between midnight and 8 am. So, we're fixin to go out and check the truck for the day, when a call comes in for a man with weakness. Turns out this guy is bleeding to death out his butthole. Commonly refered to as a GI bleeder. Has a very distinct smell. So we get this almost dead looking guy on the cot (stretcher) and start to take him downstairs. As were close in on the landing I felt the most GAWDAWFUL sensation. A tearing bruning feeling goes shooting down the right side of my back. Not good. We get him to the hospital and I am placed out of service and admitted to the ER. X-rays didn't really show anything so I get a shot of Tordol in my butt. Now I am not a big fan of shots, or needles, but Tordol works. Long story short I got sent home, and I had to be cleared to return to work. Every EMS person wonders when the day will come that will permenantly retire them from service. Normally it's a back injury. I got lucky this time, so now I need to work on strengthening my back muscles.

Happy New Year

2007-01-01T01:47:00.000-08:00

It's the new year and I was planning on spending the evening's festivities at home with the mrs. medic. But, I went to work. Working a holiday...again. I have y reasons. Money. Nothing more than that. Simply wanting to put some extra money on my check. I'm know the wife would rather have me home. But the plain fact is that I lost around 10,000 dollars in OT this past year to go to school. That hurt. Bad. But, I had a chance to make a little of it up. So I left her alone again...I know it hurts her to feel alone, and I fear what the end result of that happening to many times will be. I've read the bloggy things that other people write. I know what could happen. I know she's not happy. I can hear it in her voice when I talk to her. It's resonates loudly over the telephone, I ask what's wrong. Always the same "nothing" reply. But I hear the disappointment, frustration, and anguish. I don't like spending more than half of my time gone. I like the money that it brings, but I don't like being gone. So have I sold my soul to the company, no I'm just greedy. She needs to go to school and start her career that she's been waiting on. I know. She will sooner than later. We had a decent day today I think. Not great, but pretty decent. Now with a new certification coming up for me, and a pay raise to go with it, we can finally get the ball rolling and stuff. More money means less time at work. Yay!! Maybe this year I can stay home more and she came finally start getting her education. I love you Jess!!!

The last 5 hours....

2006-12-29T10:33:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the day I have been waiting on for a while now. The last 5 hours of ride time. Two calls, nothing big. But they still count. My evaluator said I'm good to go. She will be dropping off my paperwork from her on Monday or Tuesday. I'm going to drop mine on Tuesday. I found a test date for my practical skills evaluation. Jan 26 if I can get in. I got my application for my written test sent in. This is part everybody freaks out about. I'm going to stay confident. Nervous but confident. I don't have to give up every third day for free anymore. Yay for me!!! If the rest of this goes well, I'll have a lot of options as far as getting a new job. A paramedic cert is like gold in this state, almost any state. So that will be good. Not much else to say for now.

Christmas

2006-12-26T21:54:00.000-08:00

We had our first "family" Christmas at out house this year. Everything went pretty smoothly I think. I tried real hard to be nice to eveybody this year so they would want to do it again. Suprisingly enough it was not hard! For the first time in a VERY long time there was a little magic in Christmas for me. I don't exactly why, maybe it's that I am a little older, maybe I cared more this year than in years past, maybe it's because I know we won't have these forever. It doesn't matter because it was pretty good, even borderline great! I got a lot of great stuff, I tried to get Jess some good stuff, and I think I did ok for her...except for picking gloves as a gift since she already has some. But I did ok since I picked out the stuff to her from me and the kids basically on the run. Next year will be better with having more time to work with. I even listened to Christmas music on the way home from picking up some emergency call-off time work on X-mas Eve. We even got to sleep all night at work. Pretty good if you ask me. From the misses and kids I got 2 CD's (Evanescence, Jason Aldean). Colts liscence plate frame and decal. 3 Amigos on DVD. A glass bottle with a real cork. Yes I am exicted about that...see previous posts reference Civil War reenacting and you'll get it. I got many clothes from Mom, I needed those since I basically live in an EMS uniform for the last year and half (thanks to Methodist for that one). From sis a new penguin mug, not an exact replacement for the one that fell and broke. But still a nice mug. I got like an entire case of Vienna weiners from Mom. Which is pretty funny, I used to eat those a lot in the service...limited room in an Abrams tank so they store well and have a shelf life of like 2 years. So I got that going for me. A book from Mom that brought some hidden away mushy stuff back to the front of my mind. A summer sausage...my grandaddy Spook used to eat a lot of summer sausage, and I picked it up from him. I actually got to looking and could see the joy and wonderment on the faces of my boys and girl. So for me this year Santa Claus is real again. Just a little bit of that magic that is there when you are 6 or 7 years old and go to see all the packages that weren't there the night before. The only part that kinda put a smudge on the day was a brief arguement between me and the misses. She does so much around the house and with the kids. Quite a bit I don't get to see her do, it just gets done. I know there is no housework fairy to come in and do it. I don't help her out enough. Normally by the time I get to thinking she needs some help...duh...it's mostly done. I know she works hard and gets little thanks for it. I appreciate it but it's not always well shown. I want to come home and relax after work, but unlike other folks my getting home time is their getting going time. Not to mention I have been feeling pretty beat up lately and my bakc is downright killing me. No fun. HOPEFULLY, my last evaluator is signing me off from my precepting and the 28th will be the last 5 hours I will ever have to work for free. Let's all cross our fingers on that one. It's the last big push and I am SO tired of it. So to you who happen to read these lines, I hope you found some magic this Christmas, and your stockings were filled with coal. Love your family, give them big hugs. To Jess, Merry Christmas. I hope everybody gets a brand new start this New Year, we all need a new start every now and again. Not a do over mind just a chance to get that right path figured out and started on. Do it for yourself anf the folks you love. If you are down hang in a little longer, and let somebody know. It's not worth keeping it in. I have seen the results, and it's not pretty. Happy Holiday, whatever you observe.

18 hours to go

2006-12-20T12:27:00.000-08:00

Ok so when we last left our medic student he was trying to get the last little bit finished. I'm down to the last 18 hours of required time. Seemed like it would never end. My last day is supposed to be Dec 22. But I need 100 hours, and the 22nd only gives me 94 so I still need six more for a grand total of 18. Sucks. I don't want to work Christmas for free, since this will be the first time in five years I've had X-mas eve and day off from my paying job. So I guess I will have to do it on the 28th. Even though I want to get it done sooner than later. My wife seems to think I got some other thing I want to do since I would be giving up Christmas with her and the kids. I understand her point of staying with them on Christmas. I'm just so stinking tired of doing this and it getting delayed or pushed back and now here we are at Christmas and I thought I could have been done by Thanksgiving at the latest. I just want it to end. I'm tired of being the "student" and having to give up my time for no compensation. I have other things I'd like to do like...I don't know stay home and eat a meal with my wife and kids, or watch a movie. I have netflix and I think I've seen 1 movie in the last 3 months. Wife just watches and then asks me if I want to send it back or keep it so I can see it. I tell her send it back cause I know I won't ge to watch it. My Tater man speaks so much more clearly than he did not long ago. I don't know when that happened. Everything goes by so fast, and I am missing it. So to sum it up, I don't want to miss any part of Christmas festivities...but I'm tired of it taking longer than I planned. The worst part is wife thinks I'm up to no good. I don't need that crap to go with everything else. That's extra stress I need, thanks a lot. I don't know what else to say about that. I was also trying to get the family to my house for X-mas cause wife said she wanted to have one at our house for once. I agree with her on that. But then I get to be labeled the ASSHOLE again, as usual. This whole thing is starting to get to me. I NEED a vacation, no work, no school, no outside stresses, just some time away...Just the 5 of us away from everything.

A full moon...

2006-09-06T21:07:00.000-07:00

I noticed this evening as I went to put more diesel in the ambulance that moon is very full. It is also the strangest color of orange. Not a good sign. I hope our night is uneventful. But at the same time it's "fun" to be busy. Not that I'm a cold heartless bastard, I'm not. The thing is, I am pretty good at what I do. I know that if something bad is going to happen in my response area I want to be there to give that unfortunate someone the best chance I can for survival. Some people call that arrogance. I call it confidence. I would much rather be out in the worst weather, with people in the worst condition. It's what I do, and if you happen to be here when it happens to you...don't worry I'll be there as fast as I can.

I'm human, nothing special.....

2006-09-06T20:53:00.000-07:00

I passed a little boy in the ER the other day. He smiled at me as I started to walk by where his Mommy was being treated. The closer I got, the bigger his smile got. I heard him say to his Dad.."there's a paramedic daddy, he's my hero". Now I stopped dead in my tracks, I leaned down to him and said "how are you buddy". He turned about as red as red can be. I didn't have one thing to say to him. So I gave him a high five and a hand shake and off I went. That little boy called me his hero. I got to thinking about it, I was that little boy once.

I'm back...for now

2006-09-03T13:27:00.000-07:00

I took a brief hiatus from everything for a little while to get the last of my ER clinicals done. I'm glad that's over. So now I'm back. I don't know much of what to say though. Monster storm riped through town. Took out my shade tree in the front yard. Nice big maple it was. Now it's mulch. Not sure whose mulch...but still I now have no shade in my front yard. I think it is an improvement. And we don't have to mow around it. What else.....I got a birthday coming up. The big 30. Yay for me. I thought about it the other day, I have no idea where time has gone. I just looked around and it was gone. My hair is turning gray. My bones pop. I'm starting to fall apart. Still my life has been pretty good. I got 3 wonderful kids (ok they can be a little bratty sometimes), a beautiful wife that loves me. After 10 years I am so amazed and blessed to have her in my life. I have a strange fascination with how she does all she does. I don't tell her about it. But I mean come on, she chases a screaming (literally) 2 year old, wakes and dresses for school a 5 year old, and constantly tries to teach some common sense to a 9 year old girl. Then she cleans and vaccuums the house. Makes meals that have on more than one occassion been better than what Mom used to make. Then she cleans that up and some how still finds time to play with the kids, mow the yard, cure heart disease, cancer and juvenile diabetes. Ok the last part she didn't do, but you get my point. And then asks me about my day for the tiny little time I've been home lately. She is wonderful beyond compare, and I don't know how she does it. Then there are the parts of her I like the most. No not those parts, heads out of the gutter folks. Her laugh, every once in a while I make her laugh. It makes me feel so very special to make her laugh. She has the most beautiful eyes. One of the first things I noticed about her were her eyes. She has had so much hardship and disappointment in her life. I hope now that my education is complete, I can give more of the things she wants and deserves. Next week marks 11 years for us together as a couple. There is not enough room here for all of the wonderful things I know about her. I love you baby!!!!

Sometimes working is pretty damned good

2006-07-26T22:38:00.000-07:00

It's county fair time again. I signed up for a lot of time this year. I got 4 days this year. But even better than that I got to work the days I wanted most. See our fair entertainment this year included several concerts. Foreigner, Montomery Gentry, Big & Rich, Reo Speedwagon and Foghat. Not to mention 2 days of Rodeo action, demo derby, monster trucks, and combine demo derby (you know those big things that pick corn and soybeans and such). I got Montgomery Gentry, Big & Rich, Reo Speedwagon, and monster trucks. Redneck heaven. I got to meet Montgomery Gentry. Really nice guys, especially Eddie Montgomery. They helped the road crew put the stage together. Got autographs and pictures. One of my all time favorite country music acts. Took my sweetie to see Big and Rich. I have a hard time remembering the last time she looked so very happy. I had a blast with her there. It wouldn't have been right to be there without her. Reo Speedwagon, well they probably should have left well enough alone. It's almost sad to see them still on stage playing. I grew up listening to them, sort of. They got some new stuff they played, but it just wasn't real good. I think there might have been 200 people show up to see them. Raven Simone had 7101 people come to her show the day before. Big and Rich packed in over 5,000 and Montgomery Gentry brought in just short of 5,000. I sure wish I could take my Drew to see the monster trucks tomorrow, he'd love that. I have spent a lot of time away from my family this past year, it's been tough and miss my family. It's really starting to catch up to me.

A combat experience

2006-06-23T21:40:00.000-07:00

I recently had an oh shit moment during a reenactment is west central indiana. My unit was placed on the left side of the line and we were ordered to advance. Our objective was an earthern fortification about 150 yards to the front. It was relatively easy-enough to take by the looks of it. Only one cannon visible and sparsely supported by infantry. Shortly after our artillery opened fire we moved forward at a slow deliberate pace. Once within about 100 yards the units to our right began to receive a heavy fire from the infantry in the fort. The left side of the line picked up the pace of the advance which began to stall do the the units on the right and center of the line losing men. We regained our composure and began moving forward again. It seemed as though we were not even noticed. Once within about 25 yards i noticed something very ominous, there were dozens of tiny holes in the fort wall. Sticking out from each hole was the barrels of the rifles from the men inside. In a moment there were about 30 little blue hats and rifles on the top of the fort taking aim at us, it was at this point I wondered if I would have had the courage to continue on as my forefathers had. I felt an overwhelming desire to turn and get away or even just to lay down. But I kept on. As I continued it seemed like they were jsut waiting for us. At about 20 yards I lokked up again, and my eyes locked with a blue clad federal trooper who had a dead aim on me. He pulled the trigger and I knew I would have been dead. I am a tremendous dork, stuck witha strange fascination of the men that liked and fought in a war that took place 140 plus years ago. So whenever I can I put on a wool uniform and go "fight" the war between the states for people to come see. It's mostly cheesy, but everyonce in a while you get sucked in, caught up in the thing. This was one of those times. I can't explain it, but I feel like I'm doing what I should be doing when I'm out there. When the grey coat goes on, I get to be somebody else. Maybe even somebody I once was. Maybe.

I passed!!!

2006-06-17T18:39:00.000-07:00

Well, the results are in. I passed my final. I didn't score as highly as I had hoped, but I didn't study for it either. Got an 82.6% purely from memory. Next step...National Registry. Yay!!!! Yay!!!

It's Over!!!!!

2006-06-12T20:45:00.000-07:00

Well today was the final, last, not going no more, day of class. Our written final was today. 200 multiple choice questions and 20 EKG strip interpretations. I feel pretty good about this one. I guess becuase in reality, either way, I don't have to go back to class. I do have some clinicals and some precepting to get done. So it all down yet, but at least I get my Mondays and Thursdays back. Strange thing is after it was over, nobody wanted to leave. We started off with 14 and there are 11 of us left to try to get registry done so we can go out there and deliver the best curbside care anywhere. I feel proud of myself, proud of my family for sticking with me through this, and proud of my 10 peers who have sat through boring lectures, hours of workbook homework, and months of nervous worry and anticipation. I feel sad because these 10 folks have become a second family to me. We spent at least 16 hours a week together, had lunch together, stuck each other with needles, tortured and swore at each other. My friends Nate, Kris, Mark and Mark, Chino, Tina, Tiffany, Kathy, Meagan, and Jodi. I will undoubtedly hold a special place in my heart for these folks. I typical Paramedic class loses 50% either during or immediately after cardiology. We lost 1 person. I really hope that we are all able to at least keep track of each other as the years go by, but I know that will not be. More stuff as it developes. This was supposed to be my last post, but then again I still a little left to do. So I guess it'll go on for a little while yet. See you on the street.

Burned baby Tater Man

2006-05-30T13:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went BBQing at my sister's house. My little Tater man grabbed and then fell against a grill. He got a small burn about the size of the palm of his hand on his chest. It appears to be a second degree burn in the center. I don't normally get to see an injury occur, I tend to show up not long after the incident. So this has not sat well with me. I can still see it happening in my head and the sizzling noise it made still echos in my mind. Not fun for anyone involved. Tater is how he always is though, too busy and tough to sit still. Even though I know the pain he has he just keeps on keeping on. That little guy is just tough as nails.

Funny how the time flies by

2006-05-24T14:39:00.000-07:00

I used to be stationed at Ft. Knox, while there we became friends with a family from way up by Minnesota. The last time I saw them the oldest boy was about 10 years old. He graduates from high school this weekend. Makes me feel old. I start to feel a little older more and more. Don't really know what to make of it. Over the years I have seen a lot, gotten some good memories. But time keeps on ticking and the years pass by.

Almost there!!

2006-05-24T14:36:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my last "quiz" before my final. I finally got a perfect score on a test. That was like a week ago, and I got an 86 on my last test. I should get another perfect score on this one tomorrow. It's real simple stuff like extrication and operations and incident command. No biggie. I also get to turn in the last of my homework/workbook. I am so close now. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck to me!!

Back from the field!

2006-05-22T19:00:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not know I get to spend about one weekend a month during the summer and fall portraying a soldier from the War Between the States. Civil war for you Yankee types. We left out Friday morning for Sacramento, Kentucky for a reenactment there. Got back late Sunday night. Anyway, I noticed that my better looking half wrote about her day of cooking and tea brewing so my unit would have goodies and beverage to consume after a long hot day of marching and heathen Yankee killing. When I say a day of cooking and brewing, I literally mean a full day. She finally finished baking somewhere around 10:30 that night. And then was up in time to see us off in the morning. I can hardly wait for the day she gets to come with me. During this last event on Saturday night it started to lightning and thunder, yet it was short lived. Right after the clouds broke was the deepest blue with the twinkling of a thousand little lights so far above. They seemed to pierce right to your soul. A thousand thoughts seemed to race through my mind. Almost all of them related to my ancestor's experiences 140+ years before my own. Every couple of minutes I could see my wife in my mind. In my own mind she was right there with me seeing those stars. I would think on how brightly her eyes shine and and sparkle when she looks at me and I am lucky enough to see them. I miss her so when I go off to refight battles already won or lost so many years ago. To say that I appreciate the tea and goodies is not even close to how I feel. I am sustained by them, not becuase they taste good and I'm hungry or thirsty, but because she puts so much effort forth in them and I know that her love is in every little chunk of cake or homemade bread, or cornbread, or muffin, and in every ounce of tea. We leave again in three weeks. I hope so knows just how much I truly appreciate all that she does for me. I love you Jess!!

We all have demons

2006-05-11T13:47:00.000-07:00

After reading the things Sassy writes about I realize just how very sad and lonely she is. I have decided, in an attempt to show what she suffers from is beatable and she is not completely alone and that other folks quite a bit like her are closer to her than she thinks. So here is that story, or at least the abridged version.

In 1995 I was a young 18 year old PV2 in the Army. I was stationed in D company, 1st Battalion 72nd Armored Regiment in beautiful (not) Camp Casey, Republic of Korea. I had made several friends one of whom was a young man named Dave. He was all of 20 and had a pregnant wife at home. It is June 20th. A Tuesday. I was assigned to 1st Brigade HQ as a staff runner for the day. Several of us had gone out drinking the night before. I among others was feeling a little cloudy in the head. Our unit's training had been cancelled that day becuase we were getting new M1A1 tanks. Our unit sat on a hill in the valley at the base of a mountain. One of the guys I had been out with the night before was in a tank. It's brakes failed, and ran over Dave while he slept in his quonset hut. (Gomer Pyle style building) We dug and dug to get him out. There was nothing we could do for him. He was gone. His arm stuck out from under the tread of the tank. I will not get into any further detail. I was extremely upset. Almost beyond belief. I blamed myself, it was afterall my idea to go out drinking the night before. If we hadn't gone out maybe the guy driving would have been able to do something to stop what was happening. I had nightmares for years. Eventually 3 years later I had decided to end it all. I even had my plan. I was going to take my service weapon, a Barretta 9mm pistol, on our next range day and shoot myself. Fortunately, I didn't do it. So I got therapy and some zoloft and after a while it got better. The army psychologist said I had PTSD. With a little survivor's guilt thrown in. So you see
it is beatable. It takes a while. I know you are sad and feel completely alone and most likely misunderstood. I only shared this so you could see that other's have been to the edge and came back. I think the thought of leaving my family (Jess and our daughter) probably stopped me. That the act alone is cowardly helped a lot too. I'm not having a pity party and I'm not saying I've got it or had it bad. Just sharing a little piece of who I am.

9 days

2006-05-03T10:32:00.000-07:00

Well kids there are only 9, count 'em 9 days of paramedic school left. I still have a few clinical days to do, and about 200 hours left to ride on the ambulance. But at least class is nearly over. I have no idea what my grade is right now, moreover I don't really care. Ok, I care, but not like I did when it started. Just need an 80%. Nothing more, nothing less. Espescially nothing less. Anyways, more to follow.

Getting through it

2006-05-03T10:14:00.000-07:00

My wife has a good friend named "Sassy". I would like to take a minute to say something to her. Sassy, I have read your writings for a little while now and your latest posting makes me feel like saying something. So here it is. I know that you have gone through quite a bit in your life, and your world has completely collapsed around you the last months. It is extremely dark now, it is extremely hard now. I'm sure you have a lot of days where you don't want to even get out of bed. It will eventually get better. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but soon enough. The other thing is, it also has the potential to get worse, much, much worse. You will get through it. From the things I have heard about you, you will survive by sheer stubbornness alone. You are about to have a great support net in place. You will see that even though it's horrible and it may seem like there is no end in sight. It will get better. I know this. I ask you now to fight. Put every ounce of energy you have into it and fight for all you're worth. Be strong and have faith. The cavalry is coming. It's going to take us a while to get to you, so you have to hold out a little longer. I have faith in you, you will come through this. We will help you. We will push, pull, drag, or carry you. You will not be left to do this on your own. There are people in this world that care for you. I'm married to one. I don't know you yet but I care about you because of the bond you have with Jess. I keep telling her to tell you to hang in there. So now I'M telling you. HANG IN THERE. I didn't write this to you to be mean, just to let you know there are people you haven't even met that care about you and want to get through this dark time you are having. Don't give up. Don't worry about being alone or without a relationship. You don't really need that to go with what you got going on now. I know you'd feel a little better, but it's just a band-aid. Just keep going, we'll be there soon.

Steve

Happy Birthday Jess!!!!!

2006-04-30T09:20:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Jess's 30th Birthday. I have had the distinct pleasure and honor of knowing Jess since I was 13 years old. It doesn't see like that much time since I met the her. I think for the first 6 months I knew her I couldn't even remember her name. She has become a cornerstone of my life and who I am. Behind every man is a strong woman. This is completely true. She will probably read this and think to herself, what does he want and why is he kissing my ass. I am not up to anything and I am most definatley not kissing you ass baby. I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday and let you know how very much you mean to me. I remember when 30 was old. It doesn't feel like that anymore. You're not getting old Jess, just getting better. I hope tomorrow goes well. I am taking Jess out for dinner, and I hope she likes the gift I got for her. I know you will get tons of birthday wishes from you friends from the online world. You are loved by so many people! You are wonderful, and I love you!!!!!

Happy Birthday Baby!!!!!!!!

More funny stuff

2006-04-30T08:33:00.000-07:00

Some of you may or may not know, most EMS folks speak in acronyms. There are several.
I have decided to share some with you. Here they are....

AFU-all fucked up

AHF- acute hissy fit

AQR-ain't quite right

ART- assuming room temperature (dead)

BM&W-bitch, moan & whine

BOHICA-bend over here it comes again

CATS-cut all to shit

CC-cancel christmas

CCFCCP-coo coo for cocoa puffs

CTD-circling the drain

DFO-done fell out

DILLIGAF-do I look like I give a fuck

DND-damn near dead

DOB-dead on bed

DRT-dead right there

DPS-dumb parent syndrome

NMS-new mommy syndrome

DWPA-dying with paramedic assistance

EMT-every menial task

EMS-earn money sleeping

FDSTW-found dead stayed that way

FDBG-fall down go boom

FTD-fixin to die

FUBAR-fucked up beyond all recognition

GOMER-get out of my ER

GRAHOB-grim reaper at head of bed

HIBGIA-had it before got it again

KISS-keep it simple stupid

LOLNAD-little old lady no acute distress

LOLFDGB-little old lady fal down go boom

LDF-lying down fit

MARWB-met at road with bag

MUH-messed up heart

NLPR-no longer playing records

PUHA-pick up haul ass

PBAB-pine box at bedside

PBS-pretty bad shape

PCL-pre-code looking

PEFYC-pre-extricated for your convenience (normally throught the windshield by ejection)

PCO- passed clean out

PPA-practicing professional alcoholic

TBC-total body crunch

TMB- too many birthdays

SIO-sleeping it off

TSTL-too stupid to live

WADAO-weak and dizzy all over

WUD-woke up dead

The rules of EMS

2006-04-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

I got this from an EMS website, it holds true for the most part.

RULES OF EMS

1. Truly sick people don't complain.

2. Air goes in and out, blood goes 'round and 'round, any variation from this is BAD.

3. The more equipment an EMT has on his belt, the newer he/she is.

4. If you drop the baby, pick it up.

5. When dealing with patients, supervisors, or the general public, if it felt good saying it, then it was the wrong thing to say.

6. All bleeding stops...eventually.

7. You can't cure stupid.

8. God protects fools and drunks.

9. If you get to a car accident scene after midnight and you can't find the drunk, keep looking, someone is missing.

10. There is no such thing as a "textbook" case.

Dark Humor is better than no humor

2006-04-28T20:52:00.000-07:00

I have given some small glimpses into the world in which I exist. In a world where so the potential exists for things to go very bad very fast, we medics have learned to rely on our sense of humor, albeit a dark one, to get by. I will now allow you to see a little of the stuff we find funny. Don't be offended, remember kids, it's a coping mechanism.

Memories

2006-04-24T19:44:00.000-07:00

I have been doing my "dream job" for nearly just over 4 years now. To say it's affected me is...well, a bit of an understatement. For every good memory there are at least 2 bad ones. Just over a year ago I delivered a baby girl, on the floor of a Subway restaurant in a truckstop. I scraped brains from the highway, and then out the tread of my boots. I have help an old woman's hand as she cried for her dying husband. I have tackled a mother running to her garage to keep her from seeing us cut down her son who had hung himself. I have gone to what I thought was my wife in an accident. I have walked along railroad tracks looking for some poor bastard's leg who jumped off the train and hit a sign when he landed. I sometimes wonder how much the human mind and soul can take before all these things finally catch up with it. For every one thing I remember, there are at least 5 I forgot. I have been on more than 2,000 calls. The one thing that keeps me going is the thought of my family. My pretty little girl, my handsome boys, my beautiful, loving wife who has supported me through all my issues and horseshit. I owe all that I am to them. Everytime I go on a call I can see my boys smiling at me, and my little girl smiling
and I hear my Jess telling me to be careful. I really do try hard to be careful, I wouldn't want to disappoint them by not coming home.

I didn't forget

2006-04-18T20:58:00.000-07:00

I have a little girl, she's 9. She hits double digits this fall. I don't talk about her much, mostly cause I don't know how to relate to her. I missed a little bit of her growing up due to military service. Still, I want to desperately to be close to her but I'm not sure how. She is also EXTREMELY intelligent and can see throw a smoke screen when she tries to. I don't think I have ever met a kid as bright as she is. Last year I bought her a dress to go re-enacting with me. It is so neat to have her in camp with me. I can see how much she realy likes being outdoors. And the animals, she loves being anywhere near horses. She gets as close to the cavalry horses as they let her. I'm afraid I don't know my daughter very well. This makes me sad. She brought home a paper from school for bowling with dad. It's date is the same as the first re-enactment of the year. She told Jess that she'd rather go re-enacting cause that's 3 days with dad not just an afternoon. I want to her to as proud of me as I am of her. I hope she understands how truly deep my love for her goes and that no matter what happens in her life or mine she will ALWAYS be, my little girl.

My boys

2006-04-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

My two baby boys are getting bigger everyday. Jess brought them to my station house today when she came by to drop off a couple things for me. We went inside and immediately Drew wanted to go out to the bays to look at the ambulances. He is so much like I was. Fascinated with the different emergency vehicles and what they were for and the noises they make and the way the lights flash. Tater is the same way. Ambulance Daddy! Tater would whisper. So I took them and Jess out into the bays and put them in the back of my rig and let them play. I got really excited to seem them take such an interest in it. They are always excited by these things of course, they're boys. Put Drew in the driver's seat and let him turn on the lights. All by himself. I know both of them are doomed. I had to take a call in the middle of their visit so I made sure we made a lot of noise pulling out and driving away. I sure hope they get to realize their dream when they get older. I know I have and it's been worth it. By that time maybe public safety work will actually pay worth a shit. It won't, but as long as they're happy.

My favorite time of year is almost here!!

2006-04-18T15:53:00.000-07:00

My favorite time of year is fast approaching. Not just spring or summer. Civil War reenacting season. Yes I am a HUGE dork. Some of you may have figured that out by now. My wife my have told others this fact. Every spring, in May me and some other folks I know travel to places and put on heavy wool uniforms and re-enact battles and scenes from the Civil War. It is a huge thing, espescially in the south. I have been staring at my stuff hanging on the wall since last August. I'm soooo ready to go again. Yay!!! May is coming!!! Yay!!!

What did you think

2006-04-18T15:43:00.000-07:00

For once I actually wrote something, what did you guys think. My wife apparently thought it so good that she thought I copied it from somewhere else. Nope, it's mine. I think I might even write more. They won't all be like that of course. I hear that writing is very therapeutic. I don't know if I spelled that right. Oh well, not points for grammar and spelling here. All for now.

The end grows near...

2006-04-18T15:27:00.000-07:00

There are only 13 days left in class. We just finished our pediatrics, obstetrics, and gynecelogical portion. We just keep on trucking. There are 11 of us left now, thats not too awful bad considering we started with 14. As far as the attrition rate goes we are faring better than any class before us. I think that the bulk of us will make it through. Even the girl that asked how they got the milky way candy bars to glow in the dark is still with us. I doubt she will get her cert though. This class has been something I waited 4 years to do. I t got a huge build up from other paramedics I know. But for some reason or another it has not been as difficult as I first believed it would. It is proving a little tougher at the end, because I am ready for it to be over. Tired of sitting there in class for hours on end, tired of working in the hospital and for other ambulance services for free. I probably could have made $45,000 this year. I missed out on a lot of OT for school. We've all suffered for it. Blah, blah, blah. Soon it's done. Soon I get to go HOME. For good!! I get to take my kids to the places my parents took me as a kid. My boys get to grow up around their extended families. Take Drew and Tater to the speedway for the Saturday races. Be there for all my babies, in a way my own father wasn't there for me. Finishing this class will give me that. Soon, very soon.

runnning late

2006-04-15T16:28:00.000-07:00

I just sat down to eat my meal
You were driving, hands at the wheel

I take my first bite, missed breakfast and lunch
You hit a pole, with a crash and a crunch

Alert tone makes it's sound
Car versus pole, driver's down on the ground

We respond, find you there
glass and blood all in your hair

You're so still, barely breathing
barely a pulse, I know it's meaning

You're young, only 25
the girl you hit is only 9

I can see her lifeless eyes
the bike she rode was her special prize

she lays quietly under you car
just down the street from her own yard

went out to play and have some fun
not knowing you'd be the one

to cross her path and end it all
no trips for her to the mall

you got flown out
I have little doubt

You'll make it
and you'll forsake it

we gave you a chance to live
it's the most we could give

I tell her parents about her fate
their little girl isn't just running late

I know that God took her to be
another Angel watching out for me

I think of her once in a while
and I cry a little but fight the tears with a smile

Her parent's pain I know won't die
but I never got to tell her hi

And to this day I see her face
looking at me from a happier place

Just when I thought I had seen everything....

2006-04-12T21:34:00.000-07:00

Picture it if you can, a warm sunny spring day in northwestern Indiana. First one like it this spring so far. A busy day for us at EMS, call after call after call. Working hard but really enjoying it and remembering why I started in this career to begin with. Then the calls mysteriously stop....the powers that be saving the best calls for later? Maybe. Then it happens...the sun goes down, but the temperature doesn't really drop much and worst part of it all...A FULL MOON!!!! The next thing we know another call comes in "Station 2 respond for the female who has been bitten by a"....get ready for this kids...."Misquito!" Yes I said it right a friggin misquito. What kind of crap s that. I asked my Captain if we should call the police to come out with us to make sure if the mosquito had left the scene. We arrive on scene to find a woman who said she was bit by a misquito. I asked her if she was serious and it burned. Long story short, she did NOT go with us to the ER. I so desperately wanted to smack her in the head for being stupid. What do you guys think? Would you call an ambulance if you were bitten by a ferocious mosquito? Next time I get bit by a skeeter then I will call for one.

Why Mrs Medic Rocks

2006-04-08T16:48:00.000-07:00

I see a trend forming...It would appear my better looking half, the illustrious Mrs. Medic, Rocks. Not that I disagree, with you, because I think so too. She really appreciates you guys and I am glad to see her able to express herself. I think for awhile there I was really jealous and paranoid about y'all, I seem to have gotten myself figured out. Thanks for coming to visit my little bloggy thing that had originally started out as a way to vent from class. It's changed itself around a little since it started but I think it's kinda neat now. I owe everything that I am to Jess and I don't think she really knows what I mean by that sometimes. I apppreciate her so much more than I used to. I took her for granted for so long, and I am really lucky to have her. I look forward to seeing her when I get home from work in the mornings and I hate to leave her when I go. I could not be where I am today if not for her and I want to thank her in front of the entire bloggy blog world for being my wife.
I Love You Jess!!

Back to business as usual....sort of

2006-04-06T15:30:00.000-07:00

I took my black mourning band off my badge today, felt kinda weird to do it, but you can't dwell on it forever. I also went to class today before I came into work. We now have a mere 16 full class days left. It has gone by so fast, but seems to have lasted a lifetime. Pediatrics was the topic of the day. Of course it has been a topic for the last several class sessions. Wrapping that up next week and on to Endocrinology. We have been practicing pediatirc and infant intubation. Now that just isn't right, shovinga tube down a little kid or baby's throat. But you gotta do what you gotta do espescially for a little one. We got PALS (pediatic Advanced Life Support) class next week and I feel pretty good about it. But I digress. Only 16 full class days left. It's really 17 but on the seventeenth day all we do is take our final and walk out the door. I have made some good friends and some folks I will not soon forget. They have been really supportive. I have thought about the last year a lot lately. I guess after the last week or so I've really had some thinking to do. Didn't have to but, I did anyways. I acutally have started wearing my seatbelt again. I stopped a long time ago, when I realized I could use "professional courtesy" to get out of the ticket. Yes, we really do that. I got out of a double whammy about a year and half ago. 65 in a 30 AND no seatblet. Cop said hey you know better than to not wear a seatbelt, and try slowing down a little will you. I said yep and kept it under 50 the whole way home. But anyway, I decided that I don't to put my family and cohorts at work what we all just went through so I'm trying to be a little safer these days. To all of you who have left little happy comments and stuff, I know you were sent by the illustrious mrs. medic and I do appreciate you and your comments and she does check them everyday. She seems a lot happier than she used to. Thanks y'all

Life and the calls, continue on....

2006-04-03T16:23:00.000-07:00

The memorial service was on Saturday. April 1, 2006...April Fool's Day. I kind of expected in the back of my mind to see Josh pull off his greatest prank ever. But, it wasn't a prank. I have seen a lot of people make comments about this on my wife's bloggy thing. Everyone telling how sorry they are and to stay strong and that they lost a coworker once. I appreciate the support for such a terrible loss. I sometimes find myself feeling two ways when I hear things like, I've lost a co-worker too. In my chosen profession, we are not just co-workers. We don't punch out at the end of an 8 hour day. We spend 24 hours together at a time. These people become your family. I spend more waking moments with my crew on station than I do with my wife and kids. So you see I have 2 families, my work family and my home family. So you see not only have I lost a friend and co-worker, but I lost a brother as well. We catch each other's colds, share in each other's lives, go to places and see things that people just aren't supposed to see. But Josh did it in more than just the EMS way, he was also a Volunteer Firefighter, and a Reserve Police Officer. He had two extra sets of brothers. There are so many memories of Josh and the calls we worked and times spent on station together. The Thanksgiving turkey that we tried to deep fry. I stress tried. Did you know that deep frying a turkey outside in November with Lake Michigan winds blowing takes more time to cook than in an oven. But we did it and ate it. I had almost forgotten about that. Or talking to him about his girlfriend. Or eating cheesy mac hamburger helper. I think I'm hitting the anger phase now and that really messed up part is that I know it's happening. I can't really be anything but mad at this point. Not mad that he's gone so much, but mad that it just wasn't fair for the rest of us. Mad that his entire future is wasted. Mad that he never once friggin' listened to us when we asked him, told him, begged him to slow it the fuck down and put on the damned helmet already. But he'd flash that smile of his and remind us that he's having fun and he'll be fine. I think I'm done ranting about this. I think it's gonna be okay, it is right? I sure could use some reassurance on this one. I don't say that very often.

Loss of a brother

2006-03-26T18:56:00.000-08:00

Sunday March 26 was a day I will not soon forget. It started about as normal as any other had the last 8 months. Off to precept for class from my own department to another. After working a call I was notified that one of my co-workers and friends at my deparment had been involved in a fatal motorcycle accident. His name was Josh Olenik. He was 24 years old. I feel like I have been kicked right square in the center of the chest. It hasn't really sunk in yet. I will never get the chance to tell him good bye. I talked to him the evening before his accident and when I hung up the phone all I told him was "see you later". Of course he said the same thing back to me. I wish now I had been able to shake his hand one last time or tell him good bye to his face. Josh was a part-time police officer, a volunteer firefighter, and an EMT full-time for us. He lived his life to help others. He said to me once that he wanted to die either on a call or on his bike. I guess he got his wish. He will always be remembered by those of us in the dept that knew him. I started writing this the day that Josh died, I unfortunately was unable to complete it the day I started it. Now a little more than a week has passed. I'm exhausted, bewildered and mostly numb.

8 weeks to go

2006-03-19T08:50:00.000-08:00

I didn't get the dreaded come take you test over again phone call this week, so I guess I passed the thing. If that holds true then there are only 8 weeks of school left. Seems sometimes like I haven't really learned anything. Then again it seems like I forgot quite a bit of stuff too. So it goes back and forth. I am starting to get really anxious about finishing this thing up, and going to work. I know I can do the job so I don't really worry about that so much, just trying to figure out where I'll make the most money and have some decent benefits again. I am also considering tryig to get back into the military, most likely in the national guard. Couldn't do it full time again, just too much stress on the family. Plus I'm pushing thirty and I do't want to have to try and keep up with 18,19, and 20 year old's all day everyday. So it's a thought, I doubt I do it. I got a pretty good thing going now. I definately wouldn't get back on a tank again. Oh well, I'm not going to worry about it. Just see where the path takes me and I guess I'll go from there. Buckle up and I'll talk at you later.

They say the worst is over?

2006-03-13T23:55:00.000-08:00

I took the final exam for my cardiology portion of class. Not fun, not even close to fun. Relieved though, because as one of my cohorts said, either way, pass or fail at least cardiology is over. Now we sit for a week waiting to see if we get the dreaded phone call telling us that we didn't pass. As they say, no news is good news. But I feel like I passed it. Hope so at least everything hinges on this working out. Kinda like watching a game or show and they go to a friggin commercial break. Hope to know something by thursday. I think I should celebrate my success on passing this, providing of course I did. So, anybody got any ideas....I got a couple, and no they don't involve midgets or farm animals.

I would love to watch a movie with my wife

2006-03-04T23:30:00.000-08:00

For about a week now I have been trying to watch a movie with my wife. We haven't been able to be home together at the same time long enough. I miss her, I hope she knows that. I sincerely hope that she knows that. I know she will read this and stick out her tongue and pfffttt at it but she will at least read it. She has done so much for me, I might not have seen it but she has. I know she has been through a lot too. Bad parents, moron for a husband more often than not. She ain't perfect but I love her, and so to me she is more than perfect. Her little imperfections are what endear her to me. I am the luckiest person on the planet to have her as my wife. I just hope she loves me as much as I love her. I may not have done her justice in showing her just how much I appreciate all that she does or even shown her love with some of my actions. But, I just felt like I needed to put this out there for the whole world to see. So pfffttt right back to you baby, I love you. See ya tonight.

Moving on

2006-03-04T23:19:00.000-08:00

Another day, another life saved....ok maybe not. Cardiology is nearly done. I think I might have actually learned something. The learning part of it is over. Now we are spending the next few class days just seeing if we can apply this stuff when we need to. We are doing something called megacode. Basically we have a dummy, I don't mean me, and a specially designed cardiac monitor/defibrillator and it's just 1 person and the istructor. The monitor gets hooked up to a little machine to show a rhthm and we have to "treat" the dummy based on the scenario and the monitor interpretation. Just 1 paramedic, no help, no assistant. Just you. And the monitor will change it's rhythm somewhere between 3 and 5 times. In less than 10 minutes. It is supposed to be really stressful. I kinda think it's going to be fun. So we have that on Thursday. Then on Monday following megacode we take our cardiology final. Then spring break. I get a couple days off from school. Yay!! save me some gas money that week. Then only April and May to get through and it's over. Just have to finish up clinicals and my last bit of precepting. I suppose that will be the end of this little bloggy thing too. I don't think that I would have anything else to write about. I could write about home or whatever, but I don't think that is really very interesting. At least not my house. Funny maybe. Don't know. Anyways....that's it for now. Later.

I'm scared

2006-01-17T22:38:00.000-08:00

Almost exactly 1 year ago, I think I'm about a day or two off from being to the day I went on a call that actually scared me. I was the representative for my station and it's crews at our dept. meetings, that day we had a meeting. On those days we had been off the first part of the day so we could attend our meeting. The policy changed and they revoked that so now I'm late to work. My wife drove me in to the station and dropped me off. 15 minutes after that we were called to a place on the highway back towards the town I live in for a serious car accident. It takes 15 minutes to get to the place where the accident was from my station in a car. So my only thought was that my wife and our three children are now involved in this accident. My partner and I ran to the ambulance, I NEVER run to the ambulance. Got in and off we went. That rig now has permenant indentions in the steering wheel and 6 inch dip the floorboard from me mashing the gas pedal. We had gotten about a mile from the station when we got an update from dispatch saying that the female driver had been ejected from the vehicle and a leg amputated. This was not helping me any at all. Ambulances are NOT built for speed, but I swear I was trying to qualify for the Indy 500. I noticed a county police car come up on me pretty quick and I was not about to let him by. All I could think about was our little car had been hit by an 18 wheeler and that my family was dead or dying and how was I going to take care of them, if I fail to catch an injury and they die how could I possibly look at myself in the mirror, or if others are hurt too how could I possibly write off one of my kids or my wife of 9 years to help the schmuck that hit them. I believe to took us 6 minutes to get there. The absolute longest 6 minutes of my life. We pulled up to find a completely demolished purple vehicle and a young lady laying in the road. I looked one time at the car and I felt so relieved to see that it was not our purple car. We went to the girl and began to treat her injuries and prepare to take her to the ER. I still very clearly remember the look on her face and in her eyes when she finally started to understand just how badly hurt she was. After a few minutes of her telling me who she was and where she was going and that she still needed to get to her college class that morning, she very plainly looked up at me and told me that she was scared. I have never had a patient tell me that in the way before. So I asked her if she could still hear me and she said yes and I took her hand and held it, it was so very cold, and I told that it would all be over very soon. She told me a couple of times that she didn't hurt. I told her that was good. While we were transporting her she told me a couple more times that she was cold and scared. All I could do for her was squeeze her hand a little and tell her that I was there and that we'd take care of her as best as we could. She told me one last time she was scared and I told her I was still there, and the last thing she said was, "good". I will never forget that for as long as I live. Us EMS folks take a lot of things in during the course of an average day. We don't always get an outlet to let it out. It just sits in there and stews. Sometimes too the call ends but it's never really over.

Spice it up a bit??

2006-01-17T22:36:00.000-08:00

I was told today that in a nutshell my little bloggy thing was well.....boring. So I guess I need to add a little spice. No sweat. I can do that. Stand by for spicy goodness.

Back to school....OH SHIT!!!!! CARDIOLOGY!!!

2006-01-15T19:34:00.000-08:00

Back to school I go. For those of you keeping score I got a 93% on my mid-term. Missed one fewer than I planned for. So I got that going for me. Cardiology has started, that is the study of the heart, for those of you who might not have guessed. Just kidding. Worst part of that is that it goes through mid-March. It is also the part that normally sends paramedic students packing. We still have the bulk of our class in tact. 12 of 14 remain. So we aren't too bad off. The other part of it is that the two we lost weren't academic issues. So basically no one has flunked out yet. I still don't feel better about where I was at two weeks ago. I kinda have high hopes for this year, but I spend a lot of days and nights just trying to figure out what is happening around me. I deal with a lot of crap, some of which I have brought upon myself. Some of it seems to be random, and some of it seems like fate is screwing with me. I NEED a hug, not a good to see you kinda hug with shoulder pats. A real hug with some substance to it. I could really use that right now. Of course that and $2.32 will buy a gallon of gas. I have my days where I feel like I made a difference for someone, but those are becoming fewer and fewer. So basically, I don't feel like this is going to be any different than last year. I may get through class, I may find a new place to work with my newly acquired Super skills, I may even relocate to my hometown. But it just don't feel real yet. I kind of feel like a lightening bug like we used to catch when we were kids. We'd run around in the early evening catching these flashing bugs. Put them in a jar with some grass we'd pull and sit and watch. I feel like one of those little guys in a jar. Except my lid on my jar ain't got no holes in it. So here I sit on a blade of grass, blinking away for the people's enjoyment. Hoping that the lid comes off before I suffocate. By the way, a lightening bug will live about 24 hours in jar with no air holes....so hurry!! I don't know where exactly that came from. I guess I'm losing my mind. Could be worse ways to have it go I guess. I don't hear voices and my neighbor's dog isn't telling me to shoot people at random, so I got that going for me. Me and a couple guys from class are supposed to have a guys night. That might actually be fun. Haven't had one of those in years. Don't know when we'll have time...but at least we thought about it. Oh well, I have said way more than I felt like, and I don't feel any better about it. So back to studying dysrhythmias.

Happy New Year??

2006-01-01T00:21:00.000-08:00

For those of us including myself that have been following along, I last left you atnicipating a mid-term. I took it, still don't know what I got on it. I suppose no news is good news. I really needed this little winter break to try to get focused. I also suppose I should say Happy New Year to the few folks that actually read this stupid thing. So Happy New Year to the two or three of you out there. I have had a strange year, starting this class; switching partners at work; trying to adjust in general. Not a lot of fun. It hasn't been all bad, but I sure do have struggle to find the good spots. I have spent a lot of time reflecting lately, places I've been, things seen, people met, some lives I watched fade away right in front of me, a new one I helped deliver in a Subway restaurant, my first cardiac arrest save (he actually walked out of the hospital a week later), and of course countless other things. They seem to start slow and by the time I get to paying real close attention they are flying by so fast I can't recognize any of it. I get to feeling pretty overwhelmed a lot. Sometimes I just wish I could stomp on the brakes and make everything stop, just long enough for me to walk around a little and look around. I think I have like maybe one or two true friends. I know a lot of people I like to talk to and hang out with, but mostly that's all they are. I feel a million miles away from my family. So it's a new year and maybe it'll be a good one. All for now.....

On a different note.

2005-11-19T16:57:00.000-08:00

Ok, I have been talking about class and nothing else. Not at this particular moment. Nope not right now. So the wife comes back from her trip down home to see her friends. Boy am I glad she's back. I missed her so much. The good news is that she says she is ready to go back for good. That is what I have been hoping to hear from her for so very long. All I got to say to her is give me about a year most likely another 8 months and we will be on our way. She's the best...I love her so very much. I just wish she knew how much.

Let me stick this tube down your throat....

2005-11-19T16:51:00.000-08:00

Ok, yes the title may be just a little peculiar, but I can now look down your throat with a laryngoscpoe and put a tube down it to help you breathe. Pretty cool. Been a busy time with this. They really beat the whole breathing and airway thing into your head....don't know why though. Just kidding. We are soon approaching the halfway point. Only about 4 weeks left until then. Then the hardest part, cardiology, that takes three months. Then it's all downhill from there.

Moving right along

2005-11-04T23:15:00.000-08:00

As the title indicates, I have survived yet another test. Got an 89% on the pharmacology final. Yay!! So now we are gettign into respiratory and neurology and trauma. I LOVE trauma. Nothing like some really messed up morons who put their faces through the windshield of their car to brighten up my day. And yes we do talk about you later. Sometimes we laugh at you too. How else are we supposed to deal you being stupid enough to maim yourself. It does get a little stressful. Anyways, so respiratory is cool too because I can look down your throat when you stop breathing to put a tube down it and breathe for you. Gives real meaning to holding someone's life in your hands, cause if we don't squeeze the bag then you turn the strangest shade of bluish-purple. Don't worry though we squeeze it again and you turn pink. Pink is good-blue is bad. Write that down people. Neurology is brain stuff, good to know. Like why people get mean when they get whacked in the head REALLY hard. They don't mean it of course but man do they get mean. This carries us through to Christmas. Then the dreaded cardiology, the heart....did you guys here the dum dum dum music. Actually that looks like it might just be fun. Everybody looks at me weird when I say that. You didn't did you? Oh well guess it doesn't matter much if you did. Well time to get my homework done. More to come....

Wow, where'd the time go.....

2005-10-30T14:12:00.000-08:00

Well now, i haven't written in this thing for pert near a month now. Been sorta busy. Clinicals and precepting on the rigs are eating up much of my time now. Sped through the A&P final got a 91% on that thing. Got through the first comprehensive, covered everything up to that point. Got a 90% on that. Into pharmacology (drugs....cool) IV's, injections, and blood draws. No problems with that. I believe that our final on that is tomorrow, no problem if it is, I think I can get through it pretty good. To top it all off, my wife has gotten a job. She is a great gal. I have now taken on additional home duties. I am nowhere near as good as her at it though. I am getting better I think. I try to help out but I get redirected or distracted by something and I miss something. I see her frustration when she comes home and there are things left undone. I will continue to improve. I have to say I don't have the slightest idea how she has managed the house like she has. I got it pretty damn good. After school is over I'm putting her through school. She deserves it and I know she can accomplish whatever it is she sets her mind to do. She has stood by me through me gettign my education, time to give back. I know that was way out in left field but I hardly ever say anything about her and I figured it was needed and due. Well, now I'm off to study about beta blockers, adrenergenic receptors and stuff...you know, the basics.

Comprehensive test coming up

2005-09-27T17:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, so we are getting through the last of the little stuff and fixing to go on to the good stuff. Passed my A&P test. Passed my patient assessment skills test. The dreaded "comp" test is on Thursday. No sweat, I just got to get an 80% on it and I'm on to the next segment. Yay! No sweat right it just covers everything we've had in class so far.

The Anatomy and Physiology Final!!!

2005-09-16T17:34:00.000-07:00

Ok yesterday was the A&P final exam. I had hoped to score high enough to maintain my average. Nope didn't happen. I did manage to pass it though, more than some of my counterparts can say. But at least the stupid stuff that will serve no real purpose on the street is out of the way. My patient more than likely not care that their acid-base balance is out of whack or the their epithelial cells aren't diffusing properly, they just want to be helped and that is what I am learning how to do.

And it continues...

2005-09-13T08:28:00.000-07:00

Well I have been in class for nearly six weeks. I have had one test and one quiz. So far I don't seem to be doing too bad. Carrying a 97% average. Tied for first place. We take our anatomy and physiology test on Thursday. That is a college A&P class crammed into six weeks. I feel pretty good about it. Pisser is it's only 50 questions and we have to get 80% to pass the test. I feel like I should score a low 90%. I guess I will just have to wait and see. We also started our internships in the hospital and ambulance. Time is only a word now. More to come....wish me luck!

Class goes on....

2005-08-17T19:32:00.000-07:00

Well now, 2 weeks of class down countless others yet to go. So far I am not finding anything too difficult. I am starting to see it already in the others though. There is one I am completely convinvced will not pass the first module test. I could be wrong though. Nice girl but she only been an EMT a few months. Doesn't look well for her. Anatomy and physiology....fun, fun, fun. Cells and tissues and organs. Yea. Finally got our workbook that goes with one of our 7 textbooks. Yea. We didn't have them at the start of class. So we gotta get those caught up to where we should be. Yea. Write till you fingers bleed. Oh well, it'll be worth it in the end. It's gonna get worse, and soon I think.

Here goes nothing....

2005-08-13T20:15:00.000-07:00

Well I started this little thing to serve as a journal through my paramedic class. A normal class lasts from 1 to 2 years. Mine will be 9 months. So I have stopped calling myself a paramedic student and have changed my title to paramedic fetus. First week is over and I have found that so far I am not feeling out of my league, so to speak. I can tell there are some classmates that are going to struggle...it is already plainly obvious. I had come into this with really high hopes and great expectations...I have looked at it a little closer and my goal of finishing first in my class has changed to just not finishing last. There is always this thought though...what do you call a paramedic that graduates with a D? Paramedic. I'm not a D student so I still feel pretty confident. We shall see......more to follow.